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Juan Mercado's columns

Red graves

By Juan Mercado / September 12, 2006

FRAMED by bamboo crosses and tagged with numbers, the 67 skulls mouldered in the dappled sunlight. The British Broadcasting Corp. TV camera focused on the young priest who sprinkled holy water at the skeletal remains. The camera then panned faces of weeping women who identified half-rotten clothes, recovered from the mass grave, as belonging to relatives.

These were not the killing fields of Choeung Ek, 14.5 kilometers from Phnom Penh. That was where most of 1.7 million Cambodians were executed by paranoid Khmer Rouge.

This grisly scene played out in a Southern Leyte jungle, BBC’s Sarah Tom reported. Forensic experts pointed to cracked skulls, broken ribs, tied hands: grisly evidence of torture and violent deaths.

"Villager Domingo Eras recognized remains of his brother, abducted by the rebels, by his clothes," Associated Press reported. A woman identified clothes worn by three cousins when they disappeared..

The Leyte graves could "hold remains of up to 300 people killed by communists in the 1980s purge of suspected spies," Lt. Col. Bartolome Bacarros said. The Armed Forces spokesman referred to pogroms, including: "Kadena de Amor" in the Quezon-Bicol zone ( 1982), "Operations Missing Link" in Southern Tagalog (1988), "Kampanyang Ahos" in Mindanao (1985-86), "Olympia" in Metro Manila (1998-99).

How many were ‘‘salvaged’’ in the paranoia over military infiltrators? CPP chair Rodolfo Salas admitted to 1,800 executions in a 2003 Inquirer interview. UP professor Walden Bello claims 700 were executed in purges that netted five agents. No one knows for sure.

In his book "To Suffer Thy Comrades: How the Revolution Decimated It’s Own," former UP student Robert Francis Garcia gives chilling eye-witness accounts. "The pen-pen, a popular folk jingle for kids, was adopted by executioners as a grotesquely playful method for choosing the next candidate for the grave, a la ennie-meenie-minoy-moe."

Weakened by the mass murderers, the CCP ultimately halted the bloodbath. Nontheless, CPP clamped on a post-1993 assassination policy. It targeted former communists who left the movement to silence others.

The first "death condemnations" were for "principal traitors." Assassinated were: Romulo Kintanar, Felimon "Popoy" Lagman and Arturo Tabara. "It is sometimes necessary to kill the chicken to scare the monkey," was Jose Maria Sison’s explanation for Kinatanar’s murder, Pierre Rousset writes in: "The Post 1992 CPP Assassination Policy."

Filipino communists have tried to squelch any discussion of the bloodbaths. "Why remember the CCP purges?" complained the party’s media liaison officer Anne Buenaventura in an full-page Inquirer opinion page article. The party ‘‘carried out comprehensive measures to rectify errors"––from expulsion of members to "self-criticism."

But like Pol Pot’s gang, executioners here have gone scot free. Some hold executive positions in button-down Makati offices. "Name all the victims and pinpoint their graves, so they can be given decent burials," say the survivors, their relatives and human rights advocates, grouped under Path (Peace Advocates for Truth, Justice and Healing).

"These individuals had names, faces and lives," PATH said. "Locating the graves and informing the families are the two most immediate tasks that that CCP-NPA should commit to... A full disclosure of what happened is called for, not just pieces of information that the (party) feels politically expedient to release at the moment."

Opening of three mass graves in Poland’s Katyn Forests revealed the murder of 21,857 reserve officers and civilians.. Exhumation of Leyte mass graves can perform a similar service, if followed up by pinpointing––and excavating––other "killing fields." Their opening may indicate how many were cut down in the "name of dictatorship of the proletariat." And truth is the only basis for closure.

AFP’s Major Felix Mangayo, meanwhile, says charges will be leveled against CPP commissars "including one alleged former leader who is now a lawmaker." Opposition Rep. Satur Ocampo has denied involvement. So has Jose Maria Sison from his Netherlands sanctuary. From the sidelines, Gabriela’s Liza Maza, AnakPawis’ Rafael Mariano, Bayan’s Teddy Casino and Crispin Beltran hold the basin for the collective hand-washing.

Their multiple fronts sneer that the army opened the Leyte graves "to bolster police claims that communist guerrillas were behind numerous recent killings of left-wing activists."

Maybe so. Let’s see if the Melo Commission can ferret out the truth of ‘‘salvaging’’ of journalists and left-wing activists. But those Leyte skeletons and desaparecidos also argue for equal scrutiny for Khmer Rouge style pogroms of the CPP. No double standards here.

"Despite years of neglect and silence, this issue is far from closed, contrary to what the CPP claims," Path officials Robert Francis Garcia, Lan Mercado and Daisy Valerio write: "The crimes of Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot continue to haunt them so many decades after... Filipinos should take this lesson to heart, and should never stop remembering. And reminding."

"Filipino communists refuse to consider the obvious. Have they... condemned themselves to the rubbish bin of history?" asked an Inquirer editorial titled: "The Cannibal Revolution."

So after over (37) "years of trying to overthrow the government, what does the New People’s Army have to show for it?"

What our Reds can show will be found in all those grisly secrets held within other sealed mass graves.

They should, therefore, be pinpointed and opened, with little loss of time––despite the predictable knee-jerk objections from JoMa, Satur, Teddy, Liza and Crispin and Co.

Languages in a crunch

By Juan Mercado / August 7, 2006

THERE are over eight million Filipinos abroad. In this age of travel, a command of languages help. President Arroyo floored his Iberian hosts with flawless Spanish.

Ordinary yokels, like us, need a smattering of languages for use in a crunch. The entry into Miami’s "Little Havana", for example, has a big sign proclaiming: "English Is Also Spoken Here." They hand out a free handbook titled: Curso de Ingles de Emergencia.

"Si no tiene tiempo para aprender inglés, léase esto," the foreword reads. "Lo puede salvar en un momento de necesidad." Spanish 101 translates that into: "If you have no time to learn English, use this. It can save you in an emergency.’’

Samples:

Si quiere una coca-cola, diga (If you want a coke, say): "Guimi A Couc." Si quiere un café y una dona, diga: Guime a cofi an donot." Si quiere unos huevos con jamón, diga: "Jam And Egs Plis."

 English is a complicated language. The Washington Post publishes winning submissions for a yearly contest where readers supply alternate meanings for common words or " neologisims".

Some winners: "Coffee" (n.) the person upon whom one coughs. "Abdicate" (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. "Flabbergasted" (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained. "Testicle" (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

More neologisims: "Balderdash" (n.) a rapidly receding hairline. "Flatulence" (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. "Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts. "Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp. 

Here are some examples that must be read aloud to understand why English may be slightly less difficult than ]Mandarin.

"They were too close to the door to close it." Or "The insurance was invalid for the invalid." Try this one: "The bandage was wound around the wound." Or this: "The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse." And since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present."

More examples: "I did not object to the object." And "upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear." Or: "The farm was used to produce produce. "I had to subject the subject to a series of tests." And this question: "How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?"

 In Europe, they have a different problem: ‘‘Euro English will be the European Union’s official language. It will be phased in over five years, thus:

Year One: "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this thrills sivil servants. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one letter less.

 Year Two: The troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

 Year Three: In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. EU member governments will enkurage removal of double letters. These have always deterred akurate speling. Also, al will agre that the horrible mess of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful .

Year Four: By the 4th yer, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

 Year Five: During ze fifz yer, ze unnesesary "o" kan be dopd from vords containing "ou" Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und v evil al be speking German like zey vuntdd in ze forst plas.

You need not go abroad to attend a trial in court. Yet, many people have never done so. Below are adapted examples of questions and answers, actually said in court, word-for-word, and recorded in a book. They should be an incentive.

Prosecutor: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"

Witness: "He said, ‘Where am I, Linda?"

Prosecutor: And why did that upset you? Witness: "Because my name is Lourdes."

 The prosecutor continues: ‘‘How was your first marriage terminated?"

Witness: "By death."

Prosecutor: "And by whose death was it terminated?

 Attorney: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Attorney: "So could you please tell this court what were you doing at that time?"

Witness: "Uh..."

 Attorney: "I withdraw the question. You had three children right?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Attorney: "And how many were boys?"

Witness: "None."

Attorney: "So, were there any girls?

Prosecutor: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: ‘‘All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Prosecutor: "Really? Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"

Witness: "Did you actually pass the Bar exam?"

Attorney: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"

Witness: "Thirty-eight or 35. I can’t remember which."

Attorney: "And how long has he lived with you?"

Witness: "Forty-five years."

Attorney : "This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: "Yes."

Attorney: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?’’

Witness: ‘‘I forget things."

Attorney: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot."

Zat s ‘enuff.

Copenhagen what?

By Juan Mercado / July 18, 2006

SUPPOSE you had $50 billion? How would you spend it? Will throwing money at problems free millions – Filipinos among them — locked into grinding poverty and stunted lives?

"People say I’m touched in the head," Imelda Marcos told Time magazine. But the Marcos Foundation would soon unload it’s billions, the former First Lady said. Fraying at the edges at 77, she insists: "I’ll come up with a project that will wipe out poverty here in two years." That’d be 22 years  after People Power chased the Marcoses into exile.

Some 23.8 million Filipinos scrounge below the poverty level of P34 a day, the new National Statistics Coordination Board report reveals. In Imelda’s home province of Leyte, 34 out of every 100 families are dirt poor. Did she forget the Master from Galilee’s counsel: "The poor you will always have with you."

Imelda’s strutting followed news reports that American businessman Warren Buffet donated $37 billion, of his $44 billion fortune, to the Melinda and Bill Gates Foundation. It will go for charitable work, mainly in health and education.

Buffet’s donation is equal to the gross domestic product of oil-rich Kuwait. It jacks up the Gates Foundation assets to $60 billion "There are many ways to get to heaven," Buffet chuckled as he signed the transfer papers. "But this is a great one."

Imelda agrees. But the source and size of Buffet’s fortune is known. Marcos’ wealth is a secret. Buffet signed the check. All Imelda has given are promises. "Talk does not cook rice," the Chinese proverb says.

Every centavo that Filipinos got from the Marcoses were not donations. They were squeezed through court decisions: from $638 million, seized from shell foundations abroad, to the US District Court in Hawaii’s decision : $36.4 million of seized Marcos wealth be paid to martial law victims.

So, how should wealth be used?

At the United Nations, ambassadors from China, India, the US and five other countries kicked around one question: Suppose the UN had $50 billion" – $10 billion less than what the Gates Foundation has. What priorities should govern it’s spending?

Impetus for the brainstorming came from the abrasive American ambassador to the world body: John Bolton. Too often at the UN, Bolton said, "everything is a priority." Secretary-General Kofi Anan is strapped with implementing 9,000 mandates : from preventing nuclear war, ensuring water for all to curbing child labor, he noted. "And when you have 9,000 priorities, you have none."

The ambassadors first listened to experts explain ten global crises, namely: climate change, communicable diseases, war, education, financial instability, governance, malnutrition, migration, clean water and trade barriers. They then ranked 40 ways of tackling them. Finally, they cobbled priorities.

"The top four (priorities) were: basic health care, better water and sanitation, more schools and better nutrition for children. Averting climate change came last," the Economist points out. "Their conclusions were strikingly similar to the Copenhagen Consensus."

 The Copenhagen what? In 2004, economists (including  three Nobel Laureates) gathered, in the Danish capital, invited by environmentalist Bjorn Lomborg. They debated one issue: What would be the most cost-effective ways of using limited resources to ease human squalor? "How do you get more bang for the buck?"

 The priorities they drew up is now known as the "Copenhagen Consensus"  Most of our politicians would stare blankly. But the accord found that that efforts to fight malnutrition and disease would save many lives at modest expense.

 Global warming is a real growing threat, they said.  Benefits of implementing the Kyoto Protocol would probably outweigh the colossal costs, but not until 2100. .

.It’s wiser to spend money on things that would work, agreed the ambassadors, at the UN brainstorming,  "Promoting breast-feeding, for example, costs very little. And it’s been proven to save lives," the news reports said. "It helps infants grow up stronger, more intelligent adults." Vitamin A supplements cost as little as $1. They save lives and stop people from going blind, etc. .

These priorities are, in fact, spelled out in the "Millennium Development Goals." What’s that?, our parochial politicians will again ask. They are eight goals that over 170 countries, the Philippines included, pledged to meet by 2015.

 Goal 4, for example, would reduce by two-thirds, infant mortality by 2015. (Out of every 1,000 live births here, 29 infants die. The comparative figure for Singapore is only five.)

Goal 7 seeks, among other things, to "halve, by 2015, the proportion of people without sustainable access to safe drinking water." ( Only 35% of families in the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao can obtain water from a safe source. It is 69% in Western Visayas and 87% in the Ilocos.)

There’s no need to wait for Imelda. What the poor desperately need is known. The problem lies in the skewed priorities that arise from the tunnel vision of our so-called "leaders."  Most can not think beyond the next polls. The ceaseless impeachment treadmill symbolizes this.

 And few have Warren Buffet’s willingness to share. "Transporting gold to the grave" obssess many. 

"It profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world," Thomas More tells Richard Rich, the man who betrayed him in exchange for a lordship. "But for Wales?’’

Ultimate safety net

By Juan Mercado / July 10, 2006

RICE seeds, stored in an earthquake-proof Philippine gene bank, will soon be shipped to an Artic high-security vault, there to be stocked alongside those of other crops, to form "an ultimate safety net" for the world’s food.

Almost half the length of a football field, the "safe" is being drilled into a mountain on the snow-bound Norwegian island of Svalbard  It’s a spin off from  the 2004 International Treaty on Plant Genetic Resources for Food and Agriculture.

"It’s our final safety net," Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg said at the cornerstone rites. Stored seeds can be destroyed by war, political conflict, natural calamities or research disruptions. "This has apparently happened about 40 times to date ( and Svalbard) will make it possible to replace seeds which have been lost’’, he said.

Svalbard will be, "in effect, the Fort Knox of seeds", the Washington Post noted "It’s to be the ultimate backup in the event of a global catastrophe….so humankind would not have to start again from scratch." .

Sealed off by it’s remoteness, buried in three feet of concrete, ringed by a perimeter fence, chilled by Artic permafrost, the seed bank will be completed by late 2007. It will then store seeds from all over the world, says Global Crop Diversity Trust, a UN-linked organization that campaigned to establish the seed bank.

When it’s airtight doors close, for perma-frost slumber, over three million seeds will be stockpiled — including packets from the International Rice Research Institute at Los Banos.

Seeds are at core of human life. About two million varieties of plants are used for food and forage today Kun pili an binhi, dakul an aanihon, the Bikol proverb says. "If the seed is selected, the harvest will be bountiful."

 Rice is the main staple for almost three billion people. Most of the calories that  enabled earth’s population to double ten times, over the last 10,000 years, came from three plants: maize, rice and wheat. Rice harvests pulled ahead of wheat in 1999. "Their history is that of mankind."

"IRRI looks forward to sending sub-samples of its collection to Svalbard for permanent ultra-safe conservstion", says Dr. Ruaraidh Sackville Hamilton who heads the Institute’s gene bank.

The Genetic Rice Resources Center, at Los Banos, is one of  the world’s most comprehensive banks for rice germ plasam. It’s refrigerated storerooms hold over 107,000 samples of rice collected from 110 countries in Asia, Africa and Latin America. .

IRRI worked, in the 1990s, with the Constultative Group on International Agricultural Research (CGIAR ), to plan a radically new approach to safe conservation of crop diversity, he recalled. "These ultimately resulted in the Global Crop Diversity Trust."

About 1,400 seed banks exist worldwide. These include large national collections in the US and China. Smaller ones operate at universities and research laboratories. Other CGIAR centers focus on maize, wheat and other crops, These are backed by World Bank, the Food and Agriculture Organization, and other foundations. 

IRRI is developing, with the Trust, a strategy to link all the world’s collection of rice, Dr Hamilton said. The Institute’s "model computer system allows curators of rice collections to share data with the rest of the world....so we ensure that this unique diversity is also used fairly to help the poor."

At Svalbard, seeds from Los Banos, along with samples from the world over, will be sealed in black boxes. But they go into a "bank of last resort." Seeds will be drawn from the vault only when all other sources have been obliterated or exhausted.

Svalbard "Noah’s Ark" is seen the context of how a world of nine-billlion people, by 2030, can be "adequately and equitably fed, and in environmentally sustainable ways", Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Norman Borlaug told an ADB meeting in Manila.

Borlaug developed wheat varieties that tripled yields in Mexico in the early 60s — and spread worldwide. By 1974, India wheat harvests had tripled. This launched the "Green Revolution" worldwide

A slowing down of growth rates will probably see population will peak below ten billion—"ten gigapeople"—not long after 2050. "This was unthinkable just two decades ago," notes the Economist. "Human beings may be the only creatures that have fewer babies when better fed."

Consumption however, will require world food supply to double over the next 50 years, Borlaug said. In China alone, food, feed, and fiber demand by a larger wealthier population is likely to double by mid-century. But it’s arable land base is likely to shrink by 20%.

Asia is running out of land to plow. Food must come from intensified production on already farmed land. Limited water resources is a constraint. By the year 2025, as much as two thirds of the world population is likely to live under water-stress conditions

And it is only a matter of time before East Africa’s new race of destructive stem rust erupts here affecting cereal production

Genetic modification has transformed maize, rice and soyabeans. Biotechnology and new scientific tools will be developed to help meet future food and fiber challenges.

The historical track record shows high yielding varieties of rice, wheat, maize, over the past 50 years, tripled world cereal production — with only a 10% increase in total cultivated cereal area

To beat back hunger, Borlaug called for a twin-track strategy : first, productivity-led agricultural growth component, and second, safety net programs to assist the chronically hungry. That requires political mindsets to see beyond the next elections.

Selective silences

By Juan Mercado / June 28, 2006

IN a recent TV interview, party-list congressman Teddy Casino found himself backed into a corner with a question that bothers many people: Do Filipino communists run on twin tracks of armed rebellion and above-ground legal struggle for one objective: to take over power?

 Well, yes, Mr Casino reluctantly admitted. Guerilla forays and battles in legal fora are flip sides of one movement. The New People’s Army shares the "same world view" with party-list representatives like the "Batasan 5."

Communist Party of the Philippines’ Jose Ma. Sison once said the movement resembled a warrior with sword and shield, columnist Antonio Abaya recalled. The NPA scimitar; the shield is cobbled from the National Democratic Front’s multiple fronts.

 Homegrown communists, use democratic space, given by constitutional government, to destroy that same government, he added. "This would never have been allowed in Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, Taiwan South Korea. Onli in da istupid Pilipins."

Taking up arms against the government is a crime. But being a communist is not. Casino and Comrades nontheless shrink from the tag. Bayan Muna’s Satur Ocampo, Gabriela’s Liza Masa or Anakpawis’ Rafael Mariano prefer antiseptic names like: "militants," "leftists," "radicals," etc.

Many in media oblige. That’s understandable. "The name of a man is a numbing blow from which he never recovers," Marshall MacLuhan wrote in his 1964 landmark study: Understanding Media.

Except for North Korea, Cuba, communism has collapsed everywhere else. Who’d relish being identified with a bankrupt creed?

Ordinary Filipinos, however, are disquieted by this twin-headed hydra. That mistrust persists despite posturing, by Batasan 5 and fronts like Kilusang Uno Mayo, as reformers of oppressive socio-economic structures, gripped by a corrupt elite.

The unease doesn’t stem from scrubbed names or even verbal outbursts. Rep. Crispin Beltran, for example, cheered the bloody massacre of Chinese students at Tiannamen Square.

But in a democracy, everyone is entitled to his wrong opinion. Even commissars can exercise the constitutionally-guaranteed right to speak freely. Of course, they’d promptly squelch this right if they wiggled into power.

Doubts also fester from what communists refuse to discuss. "The cruelest lies are often told in silence," Robert Louis Stevenson once said.

Party-list congressmen zippered their lips when, in the last elections, they were bluntly asked by the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines: "Do you support payment for ‘permits to campaign’ levied by the NPA?"

Neither will they question "revolutionary taxes" the NPA wrings at gun barrel point. Taxation is the sole function of a sovereign government. Thus, they’ll shuffle around questions on NDF claims to a "status of belligerency," i.e. heading another state.

They’ve kept mum on the post-1992 CCP policy of assassinating former communists: Romulo Kintanar, Popoy Lagman, Arturo Tabara, Ricardo Reyes, Benjie de Vera, among others.

Meeting in Porto Alegre Brazil, the World Social Forum, called for a stop to threats against ideologues like Walden Bello, Aurora Maria Nemenzo and Lidy Nacpil and others. The assassination threats were credible, it said. It was the old Mao tactic of "killing the chickens to scare the monkeys."

Neither will they discuss the bloody pogroms that executed scores of cadres in the paranoia over military deep penetration infiltrators. Were 700 executed in a purge that netted five agents, as Walden Bello claimed in a study? Or was it 2,000? A policy of gritted teeth ensures we’ll never know the truth.

And what will their program of government be if they "overthrow the bourgeois state and establish a dictatorship of the proletariat"?

Few talk. But former secretary Horacio Morales gave some hints when they tried hitchhike on Joseph Estrada’s "transition government" in street demos that fizzled.

 First, they’d scrap the 1987 Constitution––a document ratified by 76 percent of voters in a referendum. Next, this unelected group (or politburo?) would suspend elections for 1,000 days.

And after that, what? Then, the defacto dictatorship would consider whether they could afford the luxury of elections? Any doubts what the answer will be?

How would communism, Pinoy style, differ from versions in Kim El Sung’s Korea, Maoist or today’s China, let alone the disintegrated Soviet Union.

Will  it be  a one-party police state? Media would, of course, be gagged. Will the state create its own church, as in China, and insist on appointing its own bishops? Will the state control all schools, businesses, farms, etc. Will the New People’s Army substitute for the undertrained, underpaid AFP?

A flood of open letters, articles, "studies," meanwhile, come from "organizations" that claim to represent every sector: students, migrants, workers, fisherfolk, etc. These are nothing but cubby-hole operations with access to a fax, printer and computer. These shell organizations are megaphones. And you’ll know them by their silences, award-winning commentator Bobby Nalzaro points out.

Murky muteness erodes credibility. Thus, homegrown communists never mustered enough warm bodies to topple even an unpopular regime like the Arroyo administration.

Like Sisyphus, they’re forever locked into hijacking political groups, from Fernando Poe’s campaign to Erap’s bid to beat plunder charges, to wrest the power that has eluded them so far.

Nor can they can not count on widespread citizen support, until transparency replaces their policy of selective silences.

Schoolroom yarns

By Juan Mercado / June 21, 2006

CLASSES are in full swing. Headlines on crammed classrooms, textbook shortages, underpaid and under-trained teachers are subsiding. Don’t fret. They’ll be rehashed, with new figures, at in June 2007.

The computer billionaire Bill Gates recently addressed high school students on : " Eleven Things You Do Not, And Will Not, Learn In School."

Test Gates’ rules against your own experience. Here they are:

Rule One: Life is not fair. So get used to it! .

Rule Two: The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

Rule Three: You will not make a six digit salary right after school. You won’t be a vice-president, with three secretaries and an entertainment budget, until you earned them.

Rule Four: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule Five: Manual labor is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for that: they called it opportunity.

Rule Six: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault. So don’t whine about your mistakes. Learn from them. . Rule Seven : Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try cleaning the closet in your own room.

Rule Eight : Your school may have done away with winners and losers. But life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. .

Rule Nine: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off. And very few employers are interested in helping you "find yourself." Do that on your own time.

Rule Ten: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to work.

Rule Eleven : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

School also means home work. And at a short story writing class, the professor handed out this assignment : Write a short story that has three elements: (1) religion; (2) sex ; and (3) mystery.

The student who got an "A+" grade submitted a one line answer : "Good heavens" (religion). I’m pregnant" (sex). "And I don’t know who the father is." (mystery).

Then, there was the high school kid who later became known as the writer Victor Hugo. His class burst out laughing when a donkey thrust it’s head into the classroom window. After the noise died down, the Jesuit teacher said: "Write a short essay about the incident."

Hugo put his pen down after a couple of minutes. "I’ve finished," he replied to the teacher who asked for his paper.

Hugo had lifted two lines from John’s gospel. "He came unto his own. And his own received him not."

"Mark my words, you’ll be a leader in the future, Victor," the teacher said. "Whether for good or for bad, I don’t know. But you’ll be a leader."

Like the game of "scrabble," another quiz probes for extent of the vocabulary. The student is given a word and asked to rearrange them into other words.

"Election results," when rearranged––no, not by Comelec commissioner Virgilio Garcillano, can read: "Lies – Let’s Recount."

"Domitory," when shuffled came out, as " dirty room." .

The scrambled version of "Presbyterian" read as "Best in Prayer while "Astronomer" became "Moon Starer."

Was it a casino addict who rearranged the letters in "Slot Machines"? It came out as: "Cash Lost in Me." Given the losses, he rewrote "Desperation" to "A Rope Ends It."

Wait. There’s more. "The Eyes", when rearranged, becomes "They See." And "Snooze Alarms" emerged as: "Alas! No More Z’s."

Volcanoes like Mounts Bulusan and Kanlaon are in the news. So it was no surprise that "The Earthquakes," after being juggled, became: "That Queer Shake."

The topnotcher came with the word: "Mother-in-law." Rearranged, it read: "Woman Hitler."

Another test asked for students to substitute new definitions for old words. Here are some of the best that came up:

Politician: "One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after." A diplomat, however, is a person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river. But a miser is a person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

A "Father" is a banker provided by nature. But a boss is someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

What's in a name?

By Juan Mercado / June 9, 2006

THIS was not a giddy Romeo mooning below a Verona balcony. This was deposed president Joseph Estrada, admitting in  court that he signed bank documents, under the name of  "Jose Velarde." The P3.2-billion account, he claimed, belonged to his crony Jaime Dichavez who skipped the country ahead of the law. Two years before Erap’s grudging court admission, we wrote the column below   titled: Breaking in a Name. Read  and weep.

‘‘No.  Groucho is not my real name," dead-panned the mustached brother of Marx comedians Moe and Harpo. "I’m just breaking it in for a friend."

Did former president Joseph Estrada do a Groucho after the anti-graft court ruled: He can’t be prosecuted for signing a specimen card, before startled PCI Bank trust officers, as "Jose Velarde"?

That was not a crime in February 2000, the court pointed out. The prohibition on aliases or numbered accounts, in the anti-money laundering law, took effect only in October 2001.

The account (started with a one peso deposit on August 26,1999. When closed on Nov. 10, 2000, it had ballooned to P3.2 billion  )  That multiplying  fund  belonged to his good friend Jaime Dichavez, Erap said in a post-decision interview. 

And to accommodate yet another friend, William Gatchalian, he signed as Jose Velarde. ( In a February 2002 hospital-detention suite  interview, Erap  told  ANC’s Pia Hontiveros: he did  sign as Jose Velarde  but "only as guarantor  of William Gathchalian  for the account of Jaime Dichavez.")   

‘‘Was this THE Jose Velarde everyone had been futilely looking for, since impeachment ended in People Power Two?’’ many asked then. 

And where in the world does a guarantor, for half a billion bucks, sign on the dotted line with a name other than his own––and on somebody else’s bankbook at that ? Onli in da Pilipins.

Jose Velarde is not his real name, Erap insisted. So, was he just breaking in, as Groucho Marx did, a name for a friend? Greater love than this no man has than he lay down his name for a friend.

A name, the dictionary tells us, is "a word or phrase that constitutes the distinctive designation of a person or thing". It’s in the applications where the screw-up begins.

"William Saunders" and "Jane Ryan" were aliases that appeared on Swiss bank papers. Esda I crowds stumbled across them   littering Malacanang floors, after the Marcoses scrambled aboard Chinook escape choppers.

It was not illegal, in 1986, to have pseudos on bank books. But the Marcoses never admitted to a Groucho caper. The desposits were so large, they couldn’t be explained away. Erap must show, before the court, that his statement of assets and liabilities square with what he accumulated.

Filipino maxims on names are linked to integrity, notes the authority on our proverbs: UP professor emeritus Damiana Eugenio.

"Can we go to market with our once respected name?’’ Aklanons ask. "A good name is better than wealth," Ilocanos and Boholanos say while Masbatenos counsel: "Take care of your good name for the sake of your children."

The Philippines is a country "where exoticism rule the world of names," Matthew Sutherland wrote in a light-hearted piece in the Observer. He ticked off various categories of Pinoy names: from "doorbell" to "random letters."

Pinoys have "door-bell names": Bing-Bong, Ding-Dong, he wrote  Even our former police chief (now senator)  is named: Ping. Then, there’s "repeating names": Len-Len or Jing-Jing. "They’re refined by using the "squared" symbol, as in Len2 or Mai2."

Some parents use the same letter in naming children: Joy, Joycee and Jo-Anne. There is the "composite" name: Jejomar (for Jesus, Joseph and Mary), and Luzviminda (for Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao). "That’s like me being called ‘Engscowani’ for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland,’’ Sutherland adds.

Does the randomly inserted letter ‘h’ give a touch of class to an otherwise average name Jhun, Lhenn, Ghemma, and Jhimmy. Or how about Jhun-Jhun (Jhun2 )? Indeed, "the name of a man is a numbing blow from which he never recovers," Marshall MacLuhan wrote in "Understanding Media."

 Sutherland titled his feature: "A Rhose By Any Other Name"––a spin off from balcony scene in Shakespeare’s 1595 tragedy: "Romeo and Juliet." Remember Franco Ziffereili’s brilliant film adaptation of this tragedy?

"What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet." Juliet fretted over Romeo’s family name. They belonged to the feuding Montague and Capulet families. ‘‘Is she a Capulet?’’ a bewildered Romeo asks. "My life is my foe’s debt." Were these a Veronese version of our own feuding political dynasties.

Many bicker over names of places where one resides: upscale subdivision like Forbes  or crummy squatter relocation area? "We go to gain a patch of ground / That hath no profit in it but the name," Hamlet groused. But then he lived in a castle, albeit spooky.

The literature of major faiths share a common and deep reverence for Divinity’s name.

Muslims have 95 other names for Allah. Jews would not address God directly. We have a ""God Of A Hundred Names" say Barbara Greene and Victor Gollancz in a book that collates prayers of various faiths––including the Christian direct address: "Our Father."

Names in religious history have a function more than just accidental applications. Adam, Genesis tells us, named all creatures. He "called his wife Eve because she was mother of all the living." The Baptist’s name was chosen before his birth.

"Our name is legion," screamed the spirits in the Genasarene cave dweller, in response to the demand by one whose name, Luke writes, was chosen before his birth. And the night before he died, he was to pray for others: "Protect them with the Name you gave to me."

Three-ringed affair

By Juan Mercado / June 5, 2006

JUNE is the month for weddings, glossy newspaper supplements, tv and magazine specials remind everybody. But they don’t tell you that marriage is the second of a three-ring affair.

The first ring is the engagement ring. The wedding ring is the second ring. And the third is called the suffer––ring.

"Marriage is a great institution," Bob Hope joked. "No family should be without it... In fact, Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off. It was so successful, she turned it into a series."

The institution started with Adam and Eve who had an ideal marriage. Know why? "Adam didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married," Bob Orben writes. "And Eve didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked it."

And there was the husband who, after church, greeted the wife––lifted her up, carrying her all over the house.

"Did the priest give a homily on being romantic?" the surprised wife asked. The husband shook his head. "No, no, no," he said. "The priest said we must carry our burdens and our sorrows."

So, was this the same fellow who insisted: "There are only six sacraments, not seven, as the catechism claims." How come? He was asked: "Well, matrimony and penance are one and the same sacrament."

But when push comes to shove, it’s kids who remind you of what Psalmist wrote : "Out of the mouths of infants and sucklings Lord, you have perfected praise." Translation: kids still say the darndest things about marriage. Just look at these questions and answers which we adapted:

Q. How can a stranger tell if two people are married? A. Are they might yelling at the same kids?––Mark, age 6

Q. How do you decide whom to marry? A. No person really decides before they grow up. God decides it all, way before. And you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.––Risa, age 9.

Q. What is the right age to get married ? A. No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.––Oliver, age 6 (wise beyond his years.)

Q. Is it better to be single or married? A. It’s better for girls to be single. But not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.––Eric, age 4.

Q. When is it okay kiss someone? A. When they’re rich.––Andrea, age 7. Nicolas, 8, has another answer: The law says you must be 18. I still have to wait 10 years.

Q. How would you make a marriage succeed? A. Tell your wife she’s pretty even if she looks like a truck.––Arturo, age 10. (This boy will go places.)

Of course, we’ve seen far too many immature people plunge into marriage that splinters early on. "Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage", Shakespeare points out in Twelfth Night.

Does marriage span differences between women and men? "Women are never disarmed by compliments," Oscar Wilde wrote in An Ideal Husband. "Men always are. That is the difference between sexes." See if you agree with these differences:

Future: "A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until she gets a wife."

Bathrooms: A man has eight items in his bathroom: a razor, toothbrush, soap, shampoo, powder, comb, toothpaste––and a towel from Marriott Hotel. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most.

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows about dentist appointments, teachers’ names, vitamins, favorite foods, sports equipment, books, etc. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Change: A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change but she does. "A man’s friends like him but leave him as he is," G.K. Chesterton wrote in Orthodoxy. "His wife loves him and is always trying to turn him into somebody else."

Take birthdays: "Marriage is the alliance of two people," Ogden Nash wrote. "One of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them."

Then, there’s nagging. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water theplants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. "Holy Deadlock" was how someone described the impasse. But the English novelist put it on a broader plane: "Once you get married, you understand how wars start."

Let the kids have the last word on marriage. Here are some questions adapted from a third grade class.

Q. What did your mother need to know about your father before she married him? A. His last name. Also, she had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

Q. Why did your mom marry your dad? A. My dad makes the best adobo in the world and my mom eats a lot––Amalia, age 8. "My lola says mom didn’t have her thinking cap on" ––Ricardo, age 7.

Q. Who is boss in your home? A. My mother. She doesn’t want to be but my dad is such a bum.––Josie, 6. A. My mom. She’s the one who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends’ homes.––Carlito, age 7.

"And they fought happily ever after," remains one of the most apt summaries of this three-ringed affair.

Scapegoat 2006

By Juan Mercado / May 25, 2006

"GOD is the most popular scapegoat for our sins," Mark Twain once observed. But in this country, our so-called leaders substituted the Constitution for a "whipping boy" for all neuroses and problems.

 President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Speaker Jose de Venecia & Co., talk themselves hoarse over constitutional overhaul. A "people’s initiative" or congressmen anointing themselves as a constituent assembly, they gush, would banish all our ills. It’d usher us all into a "land of milk and honey."

 Excessive claims are snake-oil salesmen tools. Caveat emptor. "Buyer beware." But Cha-cha peddlers and local leaders (many who’ve not even read the constitution) indulge in a common exercise: blaming a basically sound constitution for problems from coups, lack of investments, legislative gridlock to uncollected garbage.

Yet, none ever refers to their own avarice, lack of integrity or unbridled ambition. "I have no spur to prick the sides of my intent, but only vaulting ambition which o’erleaps itself, and falls on the other," Macbeth murmurs. 

 Congress never passed a law to ban on dynasties or one to authorize a "people’s initiative." And the President ignores fertilizer scams, Commission on Elections reforms, etc. Poverty and hunger, meanwhile, persist.

 "To err is human," former US vice president Hubert Humphrey once said. "To blame someone else is politics.’’

So, don’t watch politicians’ lips. "The first chance Adam had, he laid the blame on a woman," Lady Nancy Astor once complained. Instead, keep your eyes on their hands. That will strip the fig leaf covering the swindle mislabeled as ‘‘Charter change.’’

The Catholic Bishop’s Conference of the Philippines president Angel Lagdameo has said: "Bishops were alarmed at the continuing and deceptive campaign to gather signatures, under a people’s initiative."

 And Catholic social action centers reported  that the pirma campaign lacked adequate information and discussion, added the low-key CBCP vice-president: Cagayan de Oro archbishop Antonio Ledesma, SJ. It certainly was "not initiated by the people."

Most congressmen and assorted officials couldn’t care less. They’re backing Cha-cha. After all, the Transitory Provision would scupper the next elections ––and stretch their terms for three hassle-free years.

How? Scrutinize Article XX. President Arroyo and Company are set to spring this transitory booby trap on all of us in the coming weeks. "Are these not the same powers that Ferdinand Marcos vested on himself?" Commissioner Vicente Paterno asked sponsor of the provision Raul Lambino. "Yes," Labimo replied. But decide for yourself.

Start with Section 7. This is the notorious "No El" provision: "The elections scheduled in 2007 shall be cancelled." This strips you of your vote along with 43.3 million other electors.

A second whammy follows: "The terms of office of all elective officials shall be extended to June 30, 2010, coinciding with those of the incumbent President and Vice-President and the twelve Senators elected in 2004."

Your favorite crook will escape accounting, at the ballot box, for three more years. Your next date with him/her will be "on the second Monday of May 2010.’’ That’s when "the first elections of Members of the Parliament and the first local elections under this Constitution shall be held." Conforme?

 Don’t go away. There’s more. Section 9 provides all senators and congressmen automatically become interim Parliament members, like them or not.

 Furthermore, ‘‘thirty persons, experienced and experts in their respective fields, shall likewise become members of the Parliament upon appointment by the President."

Will these appointees ever be independent? Will they bite the hands that feed them? Virgilio Garcillano, in any case, is an acknowledged expert on election fraud. He’d be qualified, under this provision, to be an MP. And so would Agriculture undersecretary Joc-Joc Bolante. Unfortunately, he didn’t leave a forwarding address.

For those who haven’t got the message so far: Section 12 says that the "interim Prime Minister" ( Jose de Venecia? ) shall function "under the direction and supervision of the incumbent President ( Ms. Arroyo. Who else?)

Section 13 tops that by saying: "in the interim Parliament (i.e. until 2010) the incumbent President (Ms. Arroyo) shall exercise the powers vested in the Head of State and the Head of government under this Constitution." She will heft both actual and ceremonial powers.

This is Pinoy parliamentary government: Members of the cabinet will not be elected MPs, as in England, Australia or Swden, but will be appointed by the President. Nor is the interim Prime Minister the head of government. He or she will merely a cabinet member, under the thumb of the incumbent President.

This is nothing more than a just dolled up power grab. It will not provide solutions for basic issues like: population pressure, hidden hunger, skewed income, joblessness, disparities between city and farms, military unrest, insurgency, shoddy public services, etc.

"People’s initiative or constituent assembly, will not trigger change. It guarantees more of the same oppression by the same oppressors. The Constitution has not failed us. We have failed the Constitution––starting with the President."

And yet many of us play along, assuming that a "good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution."

E-mail: juan_mercado@pacific.net.ph